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Young Writers Society



Arriere Pensee Chapter 2

by Ashleigh Brown


I know description say end of the world, and your wondering why it hasn't happen yet...... Well it is but later on so bare with me :lol: feel free to comment it to death!!!

[b]

Beep! Beep! Beep! I jumped up freighted by the noise, but then I quickly remembered it was my school alarm. Then I decided that I’d rather be at school than in this hell hole. I went to my closet and slowly dressed putting on an oversize blue hooded and a pair of khaki baggy shorts. Ten minuets later I was out the door and down by the bus stop. Realized it was freezing cold, I quickly regretted not watching the news forecast. Just as soon as that thought crossed my mind the big yellow school bus came squealing to my stop. I gladly stepped on just happy to be out of the cold. “Genevieve over here.” cried Sophie. Sophie was my best friend, but I could not find it in myself to talk to her or anybody in that case. When I walked past her a look of hurt and mixed thoughts flashed on her face, but little did she know what was going on.

Finally, we arrived at school I ignored everyone and walked straight to first period art. Not caring I walked to the back of the class, and went to sleep. However, I was rudely interrupted by Mr. Thompson, our art teacher.

“Miss Renee I would like to know why you are not in your seat, and sleeping in my class.” Mr. Thompson demanded.

“Well it appears that I am very tired,” I smart remarked back.

“Well maybe you should go to bed earlier.” He replied back.

“Maybe you shouldn't’t be such a b--” I yelled.

“Go to the principal office now!” He shouted.

“That is fine with me I’d rather be there then here looking at your hideous face.” I shouted back.

I felt a firm hand grab my hoodie and propel me forward. That was it; I turned around and threw his hand off me. What happen next even shocked me; I took him and threw him on my desk. He rolled off and stood up slowly, blood dripping from the gash in his head. I turned to run but Principal Walker and crowd of teachers and students were standing there with two police officers beside him. “Genevieve I am going to need you to come with me.” Before I could respond the officers came and put me cuffs.

Once we arrived in the office I saw my dad seated across from the principal’s desk. “Genevieve I am sorry but this is my only choice, and thanks God they are not locking you up for this. I told them about your mom and this is probably your way of grieving, so they agreed to send you Montverde Academy Correctional School in San Luis Obispo.” My dad said with tears streaming down his face. Honestly I felt sorry for him, but I couldn't’t let him know. “Whatever.”

“Your bags are all ready packed I will come visit you when I can, and don’t worry its only two hours away.” He continued on. Then it hit me, I really was going to be sent away from my dad and friends and-d, “Well say your goodbye’s so we can get a move on.” The officer said interrupting my silent thought. “Genevieve, I love you sweet heart and don’t forget that. Ill be waiting for you to come back.” I felt tears stinging my eyes, “I love you too dad.” I chocked out. The officer then yanked my arm and dragged me out leading me to the car.


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115 Reviews


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Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:36 am
mhmmcolleenx0 wrote a review...



Okay, this was good. So onto the review...

I jumped up [s]freighted[/s] frightened by the noise, but then I quickly remembered it was my school alarm.


I went to my closet and slowly dressed putting on an oversize blue hooded sweatshirt and a pair of khaki baggy shorts.

I think you meant sweatshirt.

Ten [s]minuets[/s] minutes later I was out the door and down by the bus stop.



[s]Realized[/s] Realizing it was freezing cold, I quickly regretted not watching the news forecast.


“Genevieve over here.” cried Sophie.

Change the period after 'here' to a comma.
When I walked past her a look of hurt and mixed thoughts flashed on her face, but little did she know what was going on.

I would change the second part of the sentence to "but she didn't know what was going on." The way you have it sounds kind of funny.

I felt a firm hand grab my hoodie and [s]propel[/s] propelled me forward.


I turned to run but Principal Walker [s]and crowd[/s] a crowd of teachers and students were standing there with two police officers beside him.



Before I could respond the officers came and put me in cuffs


“Genevieve I am sorry but this is my only choice, and thank[s]s [/s]God they are not locking you up for this. I told them about...


Okay, overall, I thought this was good.

Characters: That was good, you described how they were feeling and their looks well.

Plot: I understand the plot well.

Is this realistic?: This is something I may have to bug you about. The part where she throws her male teacher on a desk is very unlikely unless he is a real wimp. She is just a teenage girl, I don't think this would really happen. Also, her dad (after one incident) decides that he is just going to send her away? Usually a parent would try harder to control their teen. Someone told me to make my story more realistic and it really helped. I don't mean to be harsh but you have to think if that would really happen. Best of luck!





I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.
— Leslie Knope